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distortedreality88
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Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States
Birthday: 4/11/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Film, Movies, Music, Sleeping, Depression, Braceletes, Green Tea, Starbucks, Jamba Juice, Photography, Film Editing, Prozac Nation, Love Actually, Heights, Crash, Empire Records, About A Boy, Christina Ricci, The Spill Canvas, Elliot Smith, Joseph Arthur, The Academy Is, Alanis Morisette, Aqualung, Badly Drawn Boy, The Beatles, The Smashing Pumpkins, Bright Eyes, Dashboard Confessional, Jewel, Death Cab for Cutie, The Virgin Suicides, Sula, Catcher in the Rye, The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath, Acoustic, Adam Sandlar, AIM, All American Rejects, Being Open-minded, Randomness, Bio-Dome, Boy Meets World, Brand New, Caffine, Chicago, Concerts, Degrassi, BDF, Independent Films, Hoodies, Guys, Lyrics, Mixed Cds, Motion City Soundrack, Pictures, Urban Outfitters, Chicago White Sox
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
10/10/2005
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| I had a good day today. I did get a D on my pre cal test though.. i can bring it up.. with test corrections. Im kind of nervous we get 5 week progress reports in the mail tomorrow and im nervous.. ive been slacking off i guess it doesnt completely matter because im almost graduating... but I still want to leave on a good note..it would mean a lot ot me.
im going to sit down with mrs. weber and mr. wright to talk about milwaukee sometime in the next two weeks ago. so i am looking forward to that. since after numerous fights with my father it has been decided for my first year i am going to universtiy of wisconsin milwaukee instead of new york... im upset.. but theres not too much i can do but transfer after a year.
i kind of got my head straight yesterday.. and got pushed to push myself further into starting to focus on the good thats happening..focus on being healthy with my habits and everything.. and i know that its going to take time and that it wont happen all at once and that every single day isnt going to be great or perfect.. but i had that mindset going in to today and it helped me so much, i had a great day. i also said thank you to the woman who pushed me to start really focusing and trying to be better. I also think it helps that I have a plan for next year.
It helps even more that I turned in my Lear paper that was due what feels like years ago.. thats been hanging over my head for the longest time and I can cross that off my list of things to do.
I tried to eat well today.. breakfast lunch... and I am planningon dinner. i guess that goes into im really trying to push my self to be better and not be stuck in my mental traps...its hard... REALLY hard but im going to try.
havent cut in ...over 2 weeks which is amazing to me.
I think Im going to go try to work on my senior paper  this actually accomplishing some things has got me on a roll. i need to find something fun to do later tonight though.
OH and i got awesome new icons from the book diary--they make me happy
things to do this weekend:
- get a good portion of my senior paper completed
- pre cal homework
- pre cal test corrections
- concept sketch for graphic design
- take pictures for graphic design
- ap euro notes
- find an article and summarize for ap euro
- make the election dvd and menu
- eat regularly
- stay positive
- wake up by 10 AM
- get out of my house by 11 AM --i hope | | |
| things to do:
King Lear Essay
10 Page Senior Paper
analyze a poem
PreCal homework.
Graphic Design project
AP Euro Notes
Forensics report.
Schedual a date to go to newyork to register for classes
look for housing
cry
being a senior sucks ass.. not to mention i have two ap tests this week.. thursday and friday. i just want to be done witheverything. i dont want to go to prom but i have to. its drama though
my date already bought a spot in this limo with our friend amir. now it turns out all my FRIENDS that i love and refused to be seprate with .. arent going with AMIR. and now im screwed..and we were all going to michigan city.. but since im going witha different group im screwed and i cant be bogus and leave my date.. and i just hate this its unnecessary stress. and i need to lose weight cause of my dress...
im a fat ass. although yesterday i had like 700 calories.. because i freaked out and wasnt hungry..today i only had some dry cereal and kathy like flipped out at me and was screaming cause of it at school. shes like" please dont do this shit again" and all i could do was cry.
it hurts. because yes i want to lose weight. and they can give me the speech of how its bad for me. but a lot of the reason why i flip into this mode when things dont seem in my control or are chaotic i think is because it gives me something completely away from what i should be focusing on and it lets me focus on food...counting calories... having strength to not eat and it puts me into control of a situation and no one understand that they yell and lecture.. and i just want to curl into a ball.. and die.
on the plus side.. i havent cut for a little over a week.
on the bad side. white sox lost today. | | |
| lets see well i had a breakdown last night.. my friend alysa had to talk me down for like an hour over the phone because I couldnt breathe.. i felt so bad it was one in the morning..it was just yeah not fun. i had a really bad day yesterday so i guess it fit in well.
yesterday i woke up to my dad bitching atme that i have been going to therapy twice a week saying i better change it to once a week or im not goin at all. yeah well first it wasnt my decision to go twice a week.. but i better do some hard ass convincin ttoday..
i went prom dress shoping. which is the most depressing thing ever. i got a dress. first dress i tried on.. cause it looked half decent..and i feel like a cow lately.. so i figure it might just be the only dress that would look half decent to me.. and every dress i try on after that would look worse and worse and worse.. so i just went with it. i felt like crying. i really need to get serious about losing some of this gained weight within the next month. i mena gym starting tomorrow everyday and really really watching what i am eating because this is depressing me soo bad...
i have so much work to do..i keep doing only what is due the next day.. and everything else i keep putting off and i am digging myself deeper and deeper into a whole of screwdness...im going to regret this.. i really am.
i have to go to school.. i feel sick to my stomach and i can barely keep my eyes open.. thisis going to be a fun day. my friend rocio wont be at school today. shes protesting...i hope that goes well. | | |
| I am exhausted.. mentally exhausted. today we had "operation snowball" which is a retreat put on by peer leaders. it was both funny, upsetting, and reasuring.
Funny:
Mr. Wright was crackin me up..also one of the things we had to do was to take a personality test that divided us up into 4 groups. I ended up in a group with Mr. Wright, Ms. Lowery, Mr. Lin and a few other students. This is what defined our personality: Analytical, Global, Conceptual. You live Life by your own standard. Cool, Calm, and Collected. You need explanations and answers. Inventive, Logical, Perfectionistic. You value intelligence, insight, fairness and justice. Abstract, Hypothetical, Investigative. You are a natural non-conformist, a visionary and a problem solver. And then it went on to explain how our strength is Knowledge. And that although we do not express our emotions openly we experience deep feelings. BASICALLY.. we are perfectionists and need to have a set plan to go forth with anything we do.
Well each group was given 20 minutes to make a poster, skit, or song defining our personality. This is where it got funny. For 10 of those minutes our group sat around this poster in horror. We couldnt start because we didnt have a plan. It took 10 minutes before Mr. Wright chimmed in explaining how this is so unfair to our group because unlike the other 3 groups who can just run in to on coming traffic and start coloring at different corners of the board not caring if it goes together or looks perfect, we need a plan, and we need it to be perfect and that can not be done in 20 minutes. Ms. Lowery says "Why dont we make a flow chart!" We agree this is a fantastic idea and that the flowchart in itself defines us. We sit for a few more minutes staring at the chart, no one wanting to jump in to make the first mark on the board. I ask if someone has a pencil, and no one does. People get nervous...no one wants to mess this up. We come to the conclusion that we are going along with the "Non-conformist" side and turning in an empty board. We turn our board into a skit.. Each saying a line of why we cant make the board. basic script:
Me: I would go and make the first mark on the board...but we dont have a pencil, and if I mess up there is no turning back!
Joyce: If we cut the board into 4 pieces, it would be easier to manage...there are 12 of us so we could have 4 groups of three and we could organize it easier. However, I did not know about this ahead of time, so I did not bring scissors.
Chris: All I know is that we need to use the color green, because thats the color of our group.
Mr. Wright: Will what I write on this poster affect my future? Will my future employers see this? Will my children!?
Ms. Lowery: I understand that turning in this blank poster board will ultimatly define us but the fact of turning in something blank, makes me feel really nervous.
haha so yeah that was the funny.
UPSETTING:
I was in a depression seminar.. and people were dumb asses.. and their views about suicide and depression really upset me. I went in there in a pretty good mood, I came out feeling like crap and a terrible person for even once before thinking about it..
Reasuring:
Mr wrights kind words to me throughout the day. Mrs. Weber and Rocios seminar on body image, which didnt go too in depth, but we all wrote names on a paper and people wrote us notes as we passed it along, kind words from everyone, especially weber made my day... as always.
Right now though I feel like I cant get out of bed for days.. and I need too cause i have so much to do.. which is almost more paralyzing.. its a cycle i cant get out of.. a cycle that will i have a feeling kill me sunday.. make me cut.. make me freak.. and i dont want that to happen.
sorry this is so long. i bet no ones gonna read it but i wanted to get it all out.
lastly.. I love this song..
My Blue Heaven - TBS
Two selves twist and then collide
your coming of the guards
I'm coming through.
adulteress conditioned to a
spin cycle submission
you know sometimes it just feels better to give in.
and its all to familiar
and it happens all the time
all the cards begin to stack up
twisting heartache into fine
little pieces that avoid an awful crime.
but its you i cant deny.
dull heat, rises from the sheets
I'm both a patient boy
well and a jealous man
but doubled standard of suspicion
is remedied, oh my blue heaven
sometimes it just feels better to give in.
and its all to familiar
and it happens all the time
all the cards begin to stack up
twisting heartache into fine
little pieces that avoid an awful crime.
but its you i cant deny.
we swing and we sway
as this tiny voice in
my head starts to sing
your safe child you are safe.
Is this all too familiar?
Does it happen all the time?
Im just asking you to hear me.
Wont you please, just once, just hear me.
More than anything you wanted to be right,
still its you, you, its you i cant deny. | | |
| thursday i had a panic attack.. for the first time.. it scared me so bad.. i couldnt move.. i couldnt breathe.. the room was spinning, i was crying so hard i couldnt stop crying.. i couldnt sit up or get off my bed.. i was just laying there curled up on my side.. trying to breathe.. crying the room was spinning.. it was so bad.
friday i dropped off a post secret book on mrs. webers desk with a long letter inside.. i told her that on march 3rd.. she saved my life.. and i really just wanted to thank her for that.. because it was her words only her words that persuaded me to get help instead of leaving.. i was scared.. i wasnt sure how she would react seeing as we havent really talked since before spring break.. and shes been super stressed..but it was something i had to do...she sent me an email saturday morning. she explained in the email how shes sorry she doesnt have much to give of her self right now.. shes just counting down the days until summer vacation so she can be rejuvinated..she said thank you for the book and the kind words and that she was glad that she made just an impact.. and then she ended it with this.. which meant SO MUCH to me..heh i cried.
"There's something I do want to say which is always always be hopeful Emily. In my darkest days, I have never been able to feel what you have, not because I was stronger or had more support, but because I believed I would be able to make a difference in the world...."suck the marrow out of life" as Thoreau says. The human spirit is a vast ocean of possibility, forgiveness and good. I believe that to my very core, or how could I have met such extraordinary people in my life (including you). This is the hope life is made for; I'm glad I could provide that to do one March 3rd, and I know you will not lose that faith and you too will become someone who inspires.
I look forward to some good times before New York takes you away."
yesterday i got really pissed off at my father...because he came home at 10 30 after not being home all day he was gambling..he came home drunk.. i had no money cause my bank has lame hours so i couldnt cash my check.. i was starving cause i hadnt eaten since 12.. and he was bitching at me since the second he came in the door.. it was so frustrating.. he did give me money i ordered food.. i stuffed my face til i was overly full cause i was upset.. i felt like throwing up.. i got pissed off at myself for eating so much..it wasnt a fun night.
im going with rocio around chicago today to take pictures for my art project.. i hope that goes well..
TUESDAY the new Taking back sunday cd comes out.. im very excited...i have a feeling its gonna be amazing. | | |
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